And schiet, this is never easy work. Grueling, sobbing, and messy is how it feels to me. This season of Metal, expressed in the Autumn is always a challenge for me.
Let's get neutral for a sec and postpone my verbosity... If we look back to ancient practices, the Chinese saw connections in everything. The classic healing manuscript the Yellow Emperor's Classic of Medicine reminds us Metal is all about:
- letting go
- value & importance
- love of the father
My brain translates this as:
- stern & cold
- not good enough
My interpretation of metal is whack yes, but its my truth so it's mine to own and clear. By living this belief of Metal, I have been denying myself all its gifts and it's teachings. As much as I love the fall, because of my blind spots, I've made it an incredibly uncomfortable time for myself. Silly brain!
So, I set out as any person ready for healing does... kicking and screaming! I scheduled for myself a cosmic ass whoop so big, I couldn't help but fall apart-- acupuncture, past life regression and 2 energetic healing sessions all in a week. Crazy to be certain, but I knew I needed help to shake off whatever giant brambles are holding me back.
I was a mess by the weekend, feeling like I had lost myself... questioning everything in my world... and feeling utterly unconnected to this thing called Metal-- this core expression of nature that I was completely unable to touch. I was vulnerable and eager but still unsure what came next. Then it happened... a true to life death that culled it all and brought the gift of resolution.
Bill Hicks. Remember this is all connected -- The pancreas in Chinese 5 Element is the store-house of ideas... perhaps they were all just too damned full of inspiration!
Hal taught me to see the magic in life again. He inspired and lifted me in ways I didn't yet know at 19 years old. He saw me for who I was and championed me to feel and be fearless. Inspiration was guaranteed whether he was teaching German (sorry Professor, my tongue never did quite get in the swing) or Goethe, Schopenhauer's philosophy or the societal importance of fairy tales... Hal brought passion and mysticism into every day. I took every class and an extra year of college just to have more time being in the presence of this great man. I can see now how many of my passions, my core values, were birthed in his presence and by his light.
As my boyfriend of that time so aptly said: "He made us believe". Grieving his passing, he's been quite present helping me heal. Weird noises in my house have appeared that I've never heard in my 4 years here. Ticks and scratches totally foreign to my home. Even my family has been aware there's something visiting us. Grief has been very present for me. Coupled with my intense week of healing, I'm in a perfect moment of acute vulnerability to heal.
I began wanting to write about Metal and the Fall and all the power and healing that can occur. But I'm too puddly right now. A blubbering raw monkey tyring to inspire others. Psah....
What Dr. Becker has helped me see so clearly is .... Hal was the perfect Metal-- inspired and fatherly, he challenged us all to be our best and more importantly to be mensch. I think all I really wanted was for him to be proud of me... proud of the woman I became and not the irresponsible young adult he knew. In his presence I felt special, important and in the heartbeat of God.From the other side, He offered me a healing-- the profound gift of forgiveness.
Shame blocked my ability to feel and embrace my Metal. And Hal has helped me heal it. 13 years later, I can finally let it go. And this is the true value of the season.
Hal has reminded me our memories always judge us more harshly than God/Goddess/Spirit does. So embrace your shame, your flaws, your colossal f' ups and bring it on. We have no space for it, no time for these heavy and wasteful emotions that keep us from being who God asked us to be. Find what inspires you, what hurts you and what ails you and blocks you. This is not comfortable work, but it is essential. Use this season to let go of what no longer serves your heart, let go of what eats at your soul and breathe your true self back into the world.